As I sit here in Oslo, just able to glimpse the trees and mountains beyond the sea of concrete that is Gardermoen airport, I wanted to put together some words to describe how I’m feeling about setting off.
However, no words seem to do justice to the amount of emotion I am currently experiencing.
Most people I spoke to in the last couple of days before leaving seemed to focus on fear – asking if I was scared about going, if the nerves have set in and whether I’m regretting my choice. But in all honesty, this doesn’t scare me one bit. Not yet anyway.
This is partly because I realised the one thing that was scaring me the most – the risk of being mashed between the gnashers of a giant bear – is almost completely out of my control and therefore not worth worrying about.
It’s also because I know I have a solid plan and that physically I should be up to the challenge.
But mostly it is because I’m so excited about getting out there, pushing myself every day, learning new things each day and exploring what so far appears to be a beautiful environment.
But to describe myself as excited isn’t enough. It is a start but there is so much more to it. To the point where tears have already been shed… remarkable for someone as emotionally inept as myself.
I think that I am proud of getting this far, but equally feel the need to prove myself further.
I am excited to run but also want to delay the end as much as possible.
I am so glad to be actively exploring an entirely new place, but equally unsure of what to expect.
I am confident in my ability to do this but have a niggle that this is misplaced confidence.
And finally I am intrigued as to what I am going to learn about myself.
Setting off I think I can admit that this is an area I shy away from. Perhaps due to my critical nature – but also credible to the fact I am a self proclaimed people pleaser – so I spend more time pandering to the needs of others than helping myself. Being out here, with only myself to rely on, I will be forced to confront these things, and it will be interesting (for me at least) to see what I find.
So, that’s a mashed up synopsis of roughly how I am feeling right at this time. Well add to it sleep deprivation and I think you’re there.
It feels good to know I am more scared of my own brain than a temperamental brown bear. I think it really puts things into perspective.
And I think deep down, when we are honest, this is true of a lot of people. The barriers we put up are almost always in our minds, perceived doubts which we consider impossible to overcome.
But let’s change that. Let’s start to realise that only when you confront what’s on the inside – can you really achieve what you want on the outside.
I look forward to sharing with you all what exactly is going on inside this questionable brain of mine. But until then… I’m going in search of coffee.
